Archives for posts with tag: Philippines

Once upon a time, there lived a little Superstar.

He was not a particularly handsome or talented or wealthy Superstar. In fact, as far as Superstars go, he probably fell on the lower end of the spectrum – cute enough but not heart-stoppingly so, amusing enough but not outright funny, pleasant enough but not distinguishedly sweet. He was an intersection of kind-of’s and sort-of’s, a nondescript middle ground halfway down the highway to superlative.

He was gifted with one special gift though: an ego as robust and swollen as a ripe watermelon slightly past its prime. He carried himself with a swagger, determined to achieve through sheer force of character what he could not achieve through more overt physical charms. That was all he had, after all, but it was something he carried in spades: a shamelessly invincible sense of self-worth that allowed him to steamroll people into believing he was, in fact, Super.

What people did not realize though was that hidden behind the bluster and bravado of his Superstar nom-de-plume, was the soul of a tiny, scared, insecure little boy, closer to the emotional fortitude of a 6-year-old than his 29 year-old physique, with strapping 18-inch biceps and scruffy biker’s goatee, would suggest.

He was scared.

He was fake.

And he was lonely.

And then, one day, this Superstar met a Girl.

This girl had eyes that seemed to be woven of liquid smoke, deeply entrancing and heavy with both mystery and promise. She had a way of gazing into the eyes of the Superstar, and stripping away the layers of swagger and bluster he had painstakingly forged for himself through years of shame and insecurity.

“Be true to yourself, Superstar,” she would whisper. “Be the man you know yourself to sincerely be.”

And just like that, she stirred a yearning within the trembling fraud Superstar. “I will be honest,” he whispered back. “For you, I will be true.”

And into the sunlight, the Superstar stepped forth. “It’s better to be true-per than Super,” he chuckled to himself, shaking his head slyly over his clumsy pun. Away came the swagger. Away dropped the fraud. Away fell the desire to impress with facade.

And the Superstar swore to the Girl With The Eyes of Liquid Smoke that he would no longer be selfish and self-centered and aloof and withdrawn. He would look outwards with her, accept the beauty of a world embroidered with love, and embrace a life of Spice Girls-inspired “2 Become 1″-ness.

And he knew that beside her was where he wanted to be. Beside her was where he was the happiest. Beside her was where he could learn to be brave and strong and true.

Beside her was where he was made to be.

Beside the Girl With The Eyes of Liquid Smoke.

So it’s confirmed.

ABS-CBN reports that the stomach-churning death of Dr. Mary Ann Magtoto, 34, a dentist who died after falling from the 6th floor of the Shangri-La mall all the way down to the Grand Atrium, was a suicide.

In a sworn statement made to the Mandaluyong City police, a British national asserted that he saw the victim climb over the railing of the escalator before plummeting to her death.

An anonymous commenter in my previous entry, who claimed to actually be at Shangri-La when the incident occurred, said that Dr. Magtoto was screaming all the way down.

What a gruesome end.

I suppose this brings new meaning to the term “jumping to conclusions.”

Photograph (c) 2010 by @NeilParas

I was never “that guy” growing up.

I suppose that’s one of the things that hits you when you’ve lived your life as a fat, sweaty, socially-inept boy – you’re never comfortable enough in your own skin to go out and hunt down the girl of your dreams. I swear to God I did not speak to a girl my age until I was in second year high school, and even then I wasn’t exactly the Sultan of Sexy.

I worked hard on my body, like hell I did, and even though I was sculpted like an only-slightly-porky Samoan Adonis, I still didn’t know how to sucker woo girls enough to be into me.

Here’s how awkward I was in trying to make conversation – before making a phone call, I needed to draft out a list on yellow pad of several possible topics to pepper the dialogue with: Are you going to the soph night? What do you think of the new Peter Andre CD? Which branch of Blowing Bubbles is your favourite? Which Backstreet Boy gets you wetter, Kevin or Nick?

And on and on and on.

As you can probably imagine, I was not a spectacular hit with the ladies. We’d often hang up after ten minutes. There’s only so much you can do when your responses amount exclusively to “Umm, hehe, cool,” and “Err, haha, yeah.” I think that’s why I found porn so magical. It never rejected me, and only occasionally made me feel bad about myself.

I came across this interesting survey by Axe Body Spray recently. One ginormous headline jumped out at me:

77% of Filipinas wish their men were more unpredictable.

Great, I thought to myself. I’m Mr. I-Script-Out-Every-Conversation. My idea of unpredictable is wearing gray Y-fronts on a date instead of the usual bacon-gartered tighty-whities. I like routine. I like being comfortable, and I like knowing what comes next. That’s probably why I can’t take watching competitive sports live; I hate the suspense of not knowing how things will turn out, and will only watch WWE pro wrestling because I know it’s scripted.

I suppose I do need to rattle my own cage once in a while, and surprise my lady friends a little more often. That’s probably why I love the concept behind the new Axe Twist Deodorant Body Spray – it’s the first ever man-scent that actually evolves the way it smells as the night goes on. In an exclusive one-on-0ne interview that may or may not have occurred between MDJ Superstar and Alexandre Freile, a French perfumer and Axe Twist collaborator, I was told that “[it] bears a scent of fresh citrus and gradually changes to the smell of sandalwood.”

I can smell like both calamansi and sandals in one night? I exclaimed to myself. That’s even better having a library with many books, and an apartment that smells of rich mahogany! Sign me up for that stank, and some sweaty-hot monkey sex!

I found the TV commercial on YouTube. It’s very clever, like all Axe commercials are.

I’m sure you all think Axe is very plebeian. Well, MDJ Superstar hates to brag, but I actually got a flock of nubile underage Cebuana professional models to not only make eye contact with me, but actually stand within an 8-foot radius…

New Axe Twist. It gets you laid, and occasionally even paid.

Tragic. Stomach-churning. Seasick.

Twitter was all abuzz yesterday afternoon with reports of a lady dentist, identified by DZMM and the Philippine Daily Inquirer as Dr. Mary Ann Magtoto, 34, who fell to her death from the 6th floor of the Shangri-La Mall all the way down to the Grand Atrium carousel level on the 2nd floor.

Photograph (c) 2010 by @NeilParas

This happened shortly before 4 in the afternoon on the 1st of July. She was pronounced dead on arrival at the Medical City.

Some people say it was a suicide; others say she was pushed, or that it was an accident. I still haven’t seen any definitive explanation on this, but the point of the matter is that someone who was part of someone else’s lives a day earlier just isn’t anymore.

Apparently, Shangri-La mall continued operations after this incident (wouldn’t want to miss out on the Twilight and Zara sale crowds, huh?), although the Atrium was closed off to the public.

Photograph (c) 2010 by Maria Almendras

I love this mall, but I swear to God my balls are always in my throat every time I take their two-story-spanning escalators hanging over a five stories of empty air. I’m surprised incidents like this don’t happen more often – although I do hear urban legends of a man who was installing some sort of Christmas decors or tarps high up over the Atrium slipping and going splat! down by Haagen-Daaz.

Rest in peace, Doc. I was never a very big fan of dentists, but I have always been a tremendous fan of human life.

Photograph (c) 2010 by @maitecaliente

I expect that sometime in the future, QWERTY keyboards as we know them will cease to exist.

This we can blame on the ever-swelling culture of jejemonism in the Philippines.

We all know how jejemons type and text – the endless stream of alternating cases, aberrant H’s and Z’s inserted at random, the single-minded drive to create the least efficient way of capturing the phonetics behind a word. It’s people like them who have been able to transform a simple, straightforward, plain vanilla “hi” into an eyeball-mauling “heL0WHzzz p0WhZzzZz!11!!1 Jejejeje”

(Sounds like an asthmatic Pampagueno bumblebee, if you ask me…)

Repulsive as they are, these jejemons need something to eat.

And I’m so happy to see that Regent has stepped up as the first ever jeje-sensitive snack food manufacturing company on the planet.

Introducing! The jejecake!

Jejemons need calories too, and this seems to be the most grammar-sensitive way to give them the saturated fat, artificial sweeteners and extenders, and over-processed carbohydrates that their brains feed on. After all, with a cake this rich in flavour and delight, who needs unnecessary baggage like vowels and grammar?

Regent’s new Sndwch Cke. Jejemon-designed, jejemon approved.

When you stab jejemons, do they not bleed? When you punch them, do they not cry? When you starve them, do they not die?

Let’s go get some chainsaws and a handgun and find out, friends…

P.S. I want to make Regent out to be a villain in this case, but cannot ignore that one of the largest multinationals beat them to the jejemon punch…

“Mtn Dew”? More like “Wtf did you dew”…

P.P.S. If you would like to send Regent your opinion or drop a harsh curse word or two, you can access the Sndwch Cke Facebook page right here.

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