Look, I know how low my unabashed geekery places me on the Social Hierarchy of Coolness (SHoC). Comic books & pro wrestling have never been hot topics to start a pick-up attempt at a club. I’ve never been any good at small talk, which is why in my opinion I make a horrible first date.
Thank god I was blessed with such stunning chiseled good looks, otherwise I’d have no game whatsoever.
But there’s one breed of geek that I’ve always believed falls even lower than me on the SHoC, and that’s Magic: The Gathering players.
Seriously, how do you expect to impress girls when your alleged trashtalk consists of such flaccid utterances as, “Mindsludge.. For TWOOOOOO!”, “Behold! My Blanket of Night!”, or “Bow down!! Bow down to my Coalition!”
(This is exactly the smack I’m listening to right now as I sit in Bo’s Coffee smoking my very cool cigarette while wearing very fashionable corduroy trousers and a stylish fedora.)
My friend used to joke that if you wanted to wipe out the Philippine virgin population, all you had to do was plant a pipe bomb in a branch of Neutral Grounds on a Saturday afternoon. And it’s true, you know; the only sexual experience that the hordes of pimply RPG/card-playing nerds that populate the place have ever had consists of blue-haired Japanese anime girls being violated by alien tentacles.
And don’t get me started on how RPG’s are cool because Vin Diesel is a Dungeons & Dragons nut.
Vin Diesel playing D&D doesn’t make it cool. Vin Diesel can play D&D because he drips with so much coolness he can do whatever the damn hell he pleases.
True story: one of Magic nerdlings’ cellphones just rang. Its ringtone: the opening theme of Final Fantasy Tactics. Of course.
Fucking nerds.
Now excuse me while I go back to reading my new issue of Wizard Magazine…
