I have invented one of the greatest devices man will ever know.

It’s called “The Borange”.

Its raison d’etre: to eliminate rush hour traffic on the Philippine highways.

(As a corollary cause, the English language will also finally have a word to rhyme with “orange”.)

To anyone who has ever attempted to drive down any of our major highways during rush hour, I’m sure this is a familiar sight – the lane you happen to be in is crawling with tons and tons worth of cars bearing humans with unbearably full bladders, whereas the opposing lane is practically empty. (See Figure 1a)

Why does this happen? I have drilled it down to one thing – the concrete divider separating north- from south-bound lanes. (See Figure 2a)

What if we could somehow reduce the space occupied by these concrete dividers – bring it down to a matter of inches, rather than the current 5-6 feet? Rope is too impermanent, steel too expensive. We need something more modern, more snazzy, more resistant against the forces of nature and errant SUV drivers.

What about… a laser beam?

Let’s take the argument one step further. Imagine if the Robo-Pods firing out these highly-destrucitve laser beams were adjustable? It would allow us to actually adjust the width of a particular lane depending on traffic conditions! (See Figure 4a)

I think it’s positively brilliant, this Borange system of mine. I’ll call it a “Variable Lane-Adjusting Destructo Laser Beam” system.

I got so excited, I’ve already mocked it up for my patent application.

I’m also currently working on a more basic version for developing nations. It involves carabaos instead of laser beams, but there are still a few kinks I need to work out.

But in the meantime, does anyone know the way to the IPO?

P.S. And why is it called the Borange? So that there will finally be something to rhyme with the word “orange,” fools! Bow down! Bow down and pay tribute!