There’s a branch of Azta down in Eastwood that April and I always go to for our regular Diva Day – getting our toes done, getting a quick blowdry, catching up on FHM/The Economist back issues, indiscreet gossip, etc.
They have excellent customer service. You get to sit in squishy couches, which I love. If a couch isn’t squishy, it doesn’t deserve the name of “couch”. I’d probably give it a pass as a “bench” on a good day.
You get free iced tea or milk tea (or possibly even just water, if that’s more up your alley, you fat unlovable diet freaks). The attendants remember your name, which makes me think they all grew up watching old re-runs of “Cheers”.
But they did a horrible, fatal mistake with my hair.
You see, thinning hair runs in the family. But our stand is, we don’t do embarrassing things like growing painfully obvious comb-overs, tiptoe-ing into Svenson, or investing in a toupee. We just shave our heads. There are attractive bald men out there after all – Bruce Willis, Andre Agassi, Ving Rhames (!!!), etc.
It’s theoretically the easiest thing in the world to do. You take an electric razor, turn it to its “1″ setting (or possibly even “0″, for gutsy weeks), dip it in warm Egyptian honey, then give your head a good once-over. I do it myself at home, when I don’t feel like getting dressed for the parlor. But these guys, man, they screwed it up.
The warning bells should have gone off, when the stylist asked if I wanted my shave to be “pa-salungat” or “pababa”. He recommended “pababa”, because apparently my roots won’t get hiwa that way. In my mind, I was just like Whatever dude, it doesn’t matter with an electric razor. Cut to ten seconds later, when I got distracted by Ehla Madrigal’s boobage in her FHM spread, and totally failed to see the guy creeping up behind me with a freaking GILETTE RUBIE razor blade in his hand. It wasn’t til I felt one cold zip against my scalp that I realized that he wasn’t shaving my head – he was Shaving it, with a capital S!
At that point, you really can’t do anything but just let him go at it. That’s why the term “point of no return” exists.
So I am now totally clean-shaven.
I want to imagine that I now look like Stone Cold Steve Austin, but Bajeng says it’s a bit closer to “etits na nakalusot sa condom”.
I can’t disagree with that, because it is generally accurate, in the same way that saying “Zac Efron is gay” or “gray is the new black” is generally accurate.
I’m now sadly limited by my fashion choices. I can no longer buy that black Zara turtleneck I was eyeing, because I fear I would look like a Rexona roll-on.
I have such horrible friends.
