Archives for category: Food

I expect that sometime in the future, QWERTY keyboards as we know them will cease to exist.

This we can blame on the ever-swelling culture of jejemonism in the Philippines.

We all know how jejemons type and text – the endless stream of alternating cases, aberrant H’s and Z’s inserted at random, the single-minded drive to create the least efficient way of capturing the phonetics behind a word. It’s people like them who have been able to transform a simple, straightforward, plain vanilla “hi” into an eyeball-mauling “heL0WHzzz p0WhZzzZz!11!!1 Jejejeje”

(Sounds like an asthmatic Pampagueno bumblebee, if you ask me…)

Repulsive as they are, these jejemons need something to eat.

And I’m so happy to see that Regent has stepped up as the first ever jeje-sensitive snack food manufacturing company on the planet.

Introducing! The jejecake!

Jejemons need calories too, and this seems to be the most grammar-sensitive way to give them the saturated fat, artificial sweeteners and extenders, and over-processed carbohydrates that their brains feed on. After all, with a cake this rich in flavour and delight, who needs unnecessary baggage like vowels and grammar?

Regent’s new Sndwch Cke. Jejemon-designed, jejemon approved.

When you stab jejemons, do they not bleed? When you punch them, do they not cry? When you starve them, do they not die?

Let’s go get some chainsaws and a handgun and find out, friends…

P.S. I want to make Regent out to be a villain in this case, but cannot ignore that one of the largest multinationals beat them to the jejemon punch…

“Mtn Dew”? More like “Wtf did you dew”…

P.P.S. If you would like to send Regent your opinion or drop a harsh curse word or two, you can access the Sndwch Cke Facebook page right here.

Real men don’t bother with pansy-assed things like processed carbohydrates and refined sugars. White bread is for chicks; pasta and rice are for pencil-necked prepubescent nerds.

Men are all about The Meat.

Through generations of stegosaurus-hunting, bison-spearing, and moose-bazooka-ing, our incredibly macho digestive tracts have been biologically hardwired to accept one thing and one thing only: greasy mountains of cholesterol-laden, grease-dripping, quivering-with-saturated-fat good-God-glorious animal protein, AKA “meat.”

That brings me to the glory of what is perhaps the greatest invention of the 21st century thus far, the Segway, the iPhone, and reversible pants notwithstanding: KFC’s epic new bun-free Double Down burger.

This gloriously-politically-incorrect “sandwich” defies one of the most basic concepts behind a sandwich, namely its complete and utter lack of the unimportant, completely incidental little ingredient known as “bread.” Which is perfectly acceptable to MDJ Superstar. Things like “sesame seeds” were created by our Lord Baby Jesus in His little manger-throne solely for the consumption of goats and anorexic cheerleaders anyway, and the only thing achieved by the presence of a bun at the end of the day is to take up space that could have been used to more productive, macho ends, i.e. loading in another slab of deep-fried breaded chicken meat. I know, how inconsiderate, right?

Here’s how KFC themselves describe the Double Down.

The creation features a dollop of the Colonel’s secret sauce wrapped in a slice of both Pepperjack Cheese and Swiss Cheese, between two slices of bacon and two filets of KFC original recipe chicken that serve as the ‘bread’ of the burger. That’s right – instead of bread, you get breaded chicken. Multiplied by two.

Beautiful, isn’t it?

Obviously, it’s incredibly high in calcium from all the cheese. And let’s not overlook the magnificent amounts of bacon-and-chicken-sourced protein to add even more astounding heft to our pecs and biceps. Truly a highlight of modern nutrition and culture, and I am just aghast that it took our Lord Baby Jesus this long to bring this wonder of creation down from the heavens and into our grubby, awestruck hands.

Stand back, McDonad’s Big Mac. Go get clamped, Jollibee Champ. Don’t try to stop her, Burger King Whopper. The new KFC Double Down is the new king of the hill among us manly disciples of the Manly Man Manifesto.

What would it take to get KFC Philippines to launch this locally? I’ve started a petition here. Please spread the word. It’s a fairly simple case, I believe:

  1. Filipino men need protein.
  2. Chicken is a great source of protein.
  3. KFC serves a sandwich that is made of PURE PROTEIN.
  4. Ergo, Filipinos need the KFC Double Down.

I think about five signatures would be enough to convince ol’ Colonel Sanders to look towards our shores. Help me get to that five.

Bring the glory of the KFC Double Down to the Philippines.

Help feed a new breed of macho men in our country.

My mom’s home-baked turkey is one of our longest-running Christmas traditions – it isn’t always the best-tasting, and it’s occasionally dry, but it’s certainly one of the things we look forward to each year.

We normally get a ginormous one at the supermarket, and end up eating nothing but leftovers for the rest of the year. Believe me, you haven’t lived til you’ve tried Turkey Tinola. It’s things like that that make you feel like a king.

This year however, our former-cook-turned-haciendera came over to visit, and left us with this memorable live specimen as a gift from her farm.

It was an entertaining addition to our little backyard animal menagerie. But history has proven that if you’re an animal, you will come to an inglorious end in the D’Joya household. An old puppy once fried itself by nibbling on the electrical wires of our garden lights. A pair of bunny rabbits had their noses rot and fall off. A chick got bounced on by a basketball in the midst of a dribbling exhibition by my little brother JB. And we once had 17 hamsters escape into the backyard, only to get brutally chased down and eaten alive by our pack of dogs. Well, 16 of them did – the last one panicked and charged into the swimming pool to escape, only to remember too late it had never learned how to swim.

These are just the more recent ones.

It’s not a good thing to be an animal and belong to us. We love them, but they do not have great careers here.

So despite the love, adoration, and emotional attachment we had placed into our resident pet turkey, it had to go.

I don’t know if this was PETA-friendly, but turkeys do live to be eaten for Christmas anyway, right? At the very least it was semi-drugged and not at all violent as it awaited its decapitation on the chopping block. If only our driver had better aim and possibly a more finely-sharpened knife, its end would have slightly more glamorous.

I still think a sledgehammer or a steel chair would have created a more bloggable moment, but there were tiny little things like edibility and food styling that had to be considered.

Goodbye Turkey. We liked you a lot and will always carry you in our hearts and in our stomachs.

Our old cook is visiting for the holidays – she’s a rich haciendera now, with mineral deposits running beneath her land – and she brought us a shocking Christmas present.

D’Joya kids say:

OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!

So, anybody want to come over for Christmas dinner? That turkey is ginormous. I’ll trade you a make-out session for a slice of my mom’s home-baked turkey secret recipe with special stuffing.

Merry Christmas, superstarlets.

Please don’t call PETA. We plan to slaughter the turkey in the most peaceful, humane way possible. Now, where did I leave my sledgehammer…

P.S. D’Joya kids have terrible foresight and planning. Our captivity plan to keep the turkey secure until the 24th – let it run roughshod with the D’Joya Doglings in the bodega, and hope it doesn’t accidentally fall into a tub full of gravy in the meantime…

I love cheese. It’s good, it’s healthy, and you can literally do so much with it – bake with it, melt it, make dips out of it, fry it, bread it, dice it, et cetera. I love the way it feels in my mouth, and one of my absolute favorite things is when you get that sweet spot where it’s kinda-sorta-toasty-sunog, but still gooey-stretchy-stringy-melty.

Now, I’m not much of a cook. Possibly the most I have personally done with cheese in the kitchen is pitch it into the microwave, and melt up a bowl for me to eat while watching the latest episode of MythBusters. Which is why I found what Eden Cheese did last Monday, December 14, at the historic Araneta coliseum so astounding – they set a new World Record for the most number of unique dishes on display, but with one tantalizing twist: every single one of them featured cheese.

I’m told that the official Guinness mark was set in 2007 by India, a nation of over 1-billion people, at 4,668 unique dishes.

The Philippines on the other hand has a population of roughly 90-million, with 75% falling into the dirt-poor classification – which makes this particular feat so stunning.

I was personally astounded by the turnout at the event itself – seven culinary schools from all over stepped up to contribute their own recipes to the world record attempt. There was no financial reward at stake – just the opportunity to stand up and show the world what the Filipino is capable of. In fact, I’m told that MIHCA, the Magsaysay Institute for Hospitality & Culinary Arts came up with thousands in a matter of three weeks. And the dishes they came up were superb.

Forgot what this was called, but for the sake of posterity, let’s just dub it “MDJ Superporkloin a la Cheese.”

I was particularly impressed by their professionalism and technique – they weren’t just mass-producing the world-record recipes, they were doing full styling and plating for each dish they proudly set forth.

The array of dishes everyone came up with was overwhelming. Literally the entire floor and lower box area of Araneta Coliseum was covered with various cheese-themed dishes – from appetizers to salads to soups to sandwiches to entrees and even to desserts! This was probably the first time the Big Dome didn’t smell like sweaty socks for a major event.

As a nice little touch, the various schools present (Regina Carmeli, St Paul College Manila, Centro Escolar University, Emilio Aguinaldo College, La Consolacion College, and Arellano University) also came up with cheese carving centerpieces. Here are my two favorite pieces from the night.

It wasn’t immediately apparent to me whether this was Jesus Christ or Santa Claus, so let’s just say it’s a carving of Joaquin Phoenix from his iconic appearance on Letterman.

I loveloveLOVE the craftsmanship on this one, however. The detail on the ledges and facade was really pretty, but the absolutely BRILLIANT touch was the grated cheese sprinkled all over to mimic a fresh snowfall.

Even Sheryn Regis lent her hand (or more accurately, her voice!) to show her support for the Philippines’ thrust for a World Record. She performed a wonderfully moving anthem called “Sarap Ng Buhay” as her own tribute to the creativity and will to spread goodness in the world, which seems to come so naturally to the Filipino people.

She’s tiny, but man that woman has a spectacular pair of lungs!

The Nielsen Company, one of the most respected global research agencies, released their unofficial “Comelec Quick Count” at around 730 in the evening.

The verdict?

India had set the existing Guinness World Record with 4,668 unique dishes on display at the same time and the same place.

On December 14, 2009, the Philippines, still reeling from the various natural disasters, political turmoil, and civil unrest that had struck over the last 4 months did a tiny little bit better than that.

Five thousand.

Eight hundred.

Forty.

Five.

(Okay, that’s a LOT better than India.)

5,845 unique dishes, all of them inspired by cheese, all of them a testament to the great things that are possible with the Pinoy spirit of culinary adventure.

Needless to say, the thousands in attendance were delirious with joy as jetsparks went off and a blizzard of confetti and balloons rained down to celebrate the milestone.

Eden has this tagline that I saw in their latest TV commercials – “Kay daming nagagawa.”

Being at this event showed this to be true on two levels.

On a functional level, it proved without a doubt that cheese can literally inspire limitless possibilities when it comes to dish preparations. I grew up knowing it as palaman or a spaghetti topping or the occasional cheese omelet. But now I know it can do so much more – the 500 chefs and students sweating over their stoves and ovens and dishes and chopping boards proved that beyond a shadow of a doubt.

But on a nobler level, I thought it demonstrated the great things that Filipinos can accomplish when mobilized towards one goal in service of the country. It seemed that everyone in attendance had forgotten their school allegiances or job titles or employers – everyone was there as a Filipino citizen, bursting with pride at the opportunity to be a concrete part of world history.

Kay dami nga talagang magagawa basta sama-sama tayong lahat.

P.S. Saw some of the recipes posted at the Sarap Ng Buhay website – will definitely register and see if it’s not too late for my Gourmet Deluxe Microwaved Eden In A Bowl to be eligible for next year’s world record!

All photography by Paolo Serrano. Follow MDJ Superstar on Twitter!

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