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Memories of a 32-inch Waistline

By MDJ Superstar
May 26, 2010 //
0

Once upon a time, I was a sexy man.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I was once a 14, instead of the 8 that I am today.

It was amazing, liberating, and very reaffirming to be able to ask for size-32 jeans and medium-sized shirts when I’d do my shopping, and even more heartwarming to know that I could cinch my belt tight without worrying about muffin-topping over the waistband of my pants.

But that was 4 years ago.

The two years that I spent in the advertising industry were hell on my SQ (sexy-time quotient). The late nights, the sisig therapy lunches, the midnight fast-food runs – all of these things took their toll on my slim-and-trim figure, and it doesn’t help that I currently work in a place where free-flowing Oreos and Tang and Tiger Energy Biscuits and Cheez Whiz permeate practically every single meeting.

I’ve put on 48 pounds in the 4 years since then.

That’s literally a pound increase each month.

That’s the weight of 24 Christmas hams.

That’s the raw meat equivalent of almost 200 Quarter Pounders.

I really miss those days but can find neither the time, discipline, metabolic rate, nor hate for pizza that I had in my lean and mean era.

Richard Gutierrez once asked if he could have a picture taken with me in Embassy (“Hi, excuse me, are you THE legendary MDJ Superstar with the 32-inch waistline?”), and I’m 73% sure Raymond quite possibly keeps a print-out of it in his wallet.

Can you tell me how to go back?

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Categories Fitness, Personal

Even Werewolves Need Body Doubles: The Deception of Team Jacob

By MDJ Superstar
March 2, 2010 //
2

So we all know that New Moon is pure adolescent sexual napalm.

With all the greased-up abs and sweaty, shirtless action scenes, it’s like watching a gothic Sweet Valley adventure ever-so-gently blended in with a Calvin Klein Spring/Summer underwear fashion shoot.

Francine Pascal would be so proud.

Sure, we get it, werewolves are outdoorsy; they like frolicking around in fields, slaughtering large helpless mammals for giggles, and bounding over streams and stuff, so of COURSE they’re going to be naturally buff and ripped and brawny.

And you have to admit, Taylor Lautner, the dude who plays Jacob, President of the Baby Oil Boys Club, is one Mr Fine Universe. He’s so pumped, even his abs have abs.

Except, as it turns out, in some of the movie’s collateral materials, they weren’t really his abs…

Nice Photoshop work, New Moon marketing dudes. If it weren’t for the little bit of tighty-whitey garter peeking ouf Jacob’s jeans’ waistband, I would have been forced to give you a grudging slow clap…

Spotted this on the PhotoshopDisasters blog. Those boys rule.

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Categories Fitness, Graphic Design

Lasik – A Superstar’s Path To Freedom & My Little Pony Bikinis

By MDJ Superstar
March 1, 2010 //
0

I’m really thinking about getting laser surgery done.

I’m really sick of having hairy armpits…

Just kidding. I’m talking about getting LASIK for my eyes, and it’s something I’ve been wanting for years now.

I’ve always been a fat, slovenly, socially-inept kid, and I suppose one of the big reasons I was never into sports while I was growing up was because my eyesight was so damn terrible. I could run around, sure, but fielding a baseball or spotting up for a 3-point basketball shot was an exercise in futility. I liked staying in, drawing, reading my Little House On The Prairie books (Laura Ingalls Wilder FTW!), and mucking around on MS-DOS.

I was a dork.

And I didn’t like wearing my eyeglasses much. Even when my mum sprung for a cool-beans pair of specs that folded up into a pocketable little square, kind of like the Transformers, but distinctively less cool.

I’m now 29 years old, and much more secure in my dorkhood.

I don’t see wearing glasses so much as a social curse as an opportunity to assert my offbeat, quirky, yet incredibly lovable and winning personality.

But I think the time has come for me to escape the binding oppression of a Life With Glasses, and graduate into a brave new world of 20/20 vision.

LASIK is for me.

I must admit that my motivations for wanting perfect eyesight are less than noble.

I want to be able to wear shades at the beach and not have to squint to check out the hot barely legal Cebuana schoolgirls frolicking around in their My Little Pony bikinis.

I want to be able to pull up outside a club and be able to nonchalantly step out of my car without having to worry about eyeglasses fogging up.

I want to be able to wake up at 4 in the morning to pee, and be able to see the stream of steaming golden liquid shimmer delicately in the flickering fluorescent light.

I want to see the world as it really is, and not just as it kind-of-sort-of-blurrily is.

LASIK is the key.

This is it.

Let’s see how this goes.

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Categories Fitness, Personal

Jose Mari Chan – The Ultimate He-Man Sex Panther of the 1990s

By MDJ Superstar
February 2, 2010 //
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People may argue that the true contenders for the title of Ultimate He-Man Sex Panther of the 1990s were such traditional macho ladykillers as Jestoni Alarcon, Christopher De Leon, and Richard Gomez.

How indeed could any self-respecting 1990s dalagang bukid resist the magnetic pull of a Speedo-and-boldstar-bigote combination like this?

And then you have aberrations, like the goofy-grinning, jug-eared Jose Mari Chan.

Gifted neither with conventional good looks nor your typical alpha-male “oozing machismo” sex appeal, it’s hard to argue with the quality of ladies he would bag in his music videos. Sheryl Cruz. Sharon Cuneta. Vilma Santos. Regine Velasquez. If you’re in the 1990s, those four made up the mythical Mount Rushmore of Most Desireable Leading Ladies whose So-en panties any man should aspire to get into.

Say what you will, but Tetchie Agbayani, Carmi Martin, Dawn Zulueta, and Anjanette Abayari just cannot hold a candle to those four.

Jose Mari Chan was the man. Despite the Dumbo ears and shit-eating smile, he made it with the ladies in a way that nobody else could have. Unconfirmed rumors in fact suggest that good ol’ JMC engaged not just in raunchy monkey sex with these vivacious vixens, but did so all at the same time*.

Forget ménage-a-troix, this man was good for a four-pack.

Ultimate He-Man Sex Panther of the 1990s?

He may not have had the Speedo-filling swollen physiques that the original bigote boys of the 1990s had, but when you boil things down to the rawest results, it’s hard to deny that Jose Mari Chan, the Chinky-Eyed Czar of Cherry-Poppin’, brought home not just the bacon, but every last “Beautiful Girl” upon whom he sets his eyes.

* Attributed to shady yet intensely good-looking Internet resource operating under the nom-de-plume “MDJ Superstar.”

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Categories Fitness, Relationships

If You Want To Be Sexy, You Have To Sweat A Little (Not To Mention Grunt, Groan, and Cry Once In A While)

By MDJ Superstar
October 14, 2009 //
2

I have a new physical trainer at my new gym, Gold’s Gym Alabang. His name is Froiland.

He looks something like this, only not as pleasant.

Demon

He’s brutal, ripped, and unusually cruel – he makes me do painful, unusual things on machines with such strange names as a “treadmill” and a “stationary bike.”

He’s also brutally frank, and took my vital statistics to prove a point. I’m obviously not in the best of shape, as I’m shaped more like a Coke can than a Coke bottle. (In the meantime, let’s not debate on why a rugged, manly dude such as myself would want to shape like a Coke bottle, to begin with…)

Vital Stats

I’m extremely lopsided, based on these numbers. My right side outmeasures my left side by half an inch for most bodyparts.. no wonder my clothes fit funny.

Froiland has his heart set on turning me into the second coming of Ravishing Rick Rude. He says it’s for my health, but I think he just likes the thought of “accidentally” teabagging me as he spots me on my bench press…

My workout is divided into three days. Here’s how Day One (Shoulders & Legs) looks.

Day 1

He expects me to finish all of these in an hour-and-a-half. Right.

Day Two (Back & Biceps) is slightly easier, but is still a pain to get through. I’ve always had a strong back and biceps though, so I expect I’ll be able to just breeze through this day.

Day 2

Day 3 is for Chest & Triceps, and looks like the most fun.

Day 3

The one thing I don’t like from this program (apart from all the cardio, which I really do, but hate every step of the way!) is the little addendum he tacked on at the end. He says I have to do this too, on top of the 3-day split:

Day 4

I swear to God, it’s a joke asking MDJ Superstar to do such undignified, un-cool things as freaking abdominal crunches. I don’t think I’ve done those in years. But alas, I must obey, despite the unglamorous side effects of doing crunches, such as grunting, groaning, sobbing a little bit inside, and just overall sounding like “a cow with intestinal gas” (based on feedback heard from innocent bystanders).

I no longer want to argue with people that I am in shape – the caveat being that round certainly counts as a shape.

I no longer want to insist that I am just “big-boned” – with the caveat this time being that my stomach simply has a big tummy bone.

I want to be fit, I want to be ripped, and most importantly I want to be loved and wanted for my body more than for my mind.

Because at the end of the day, that’s what being a Superstar is really all about.

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Categories Fitness
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