This article is Part Two of the on-going Manly Man Manifesto series. Click here for Part One. 

One thing unique to the Culture of Dudeness is the overwhelming impulse to assign an impressive nickname to one’s pee-pee. 

Movies are a favourite inspiration, and it isn’t difficult to pick a suggestively macho name from the holy Pantheon of Manly Movies. There’s a formula; just take the title of any movie that features a large, exaggeratedly-muscled, testosterone-laden alpha male or feral beast with obvious genetic gifts in the departments of size, strength, and stamina, and 9 times out of 10 you’ll come up with an appropriate nom de penis sure to drop jaws and soak panties among the underage Cebuana schoolgirl crowd. 

10 easy examples inspired loosely by Maxim magazine’s list of The 100 Greatest Guy Movies Ever Made: 

  1. The Terminator
  2. The Incredible Hulk
  3. King Kong
  4. The Godfather
  5. Lethal Weapon
  6. The Fast & The Furious
  7. Raging Bull
  8. Dirty Harry
  9. Apocalypse Now
  10. Top Gun

Not too hard, was it? 

There are times, however, when the formula falls short, and you end up with a movie title that should get hearts thumping and hormone levels rising, but instead elicits feelings of shock, repulsion, and, in the absolute worst cases, even pity. 

Here are 3 movie titles that fit the formula above, yet should not, under any circumstances, be used as dudespeak for one’s junk. 

  1. Shrek. On the surface, this sounds like it should be a terrific pee-pee pseudonym. On the good side, it refers to a gargantuan hulking beast that strikes fear in the heart of English virgins. On the bad side, it refers to a gargantuan hulking beast in an unfortunate shade of seasick green, emits foul odours, and spends an inordinate amount of time immersed in slop and filth.
  2. Gone In 60 Seconds. 0 to 60 in 3.7 seconds is a great metric when referring to the power behind an Italian sportscar. When your speed however stops relating to awesome horsepower and starts suggesting less-than-stellar lasting power among giggling nubile schoolgirls, then you probably need to rethink your naming strategy.
  3. Scarface. By all accounts, this should be a legendary name for a legendary man-sausage. It’s the title of one the most bad-ass dudeflicks of all time. A movie starring a young, edgy Al Pacino snorting copious amounts of cocaine, ruthlessly commanding a massive drug empire, and wielding an earth-pounding arsenal of firepower & explosives sounds like it should be a surefire hit among the weaker sex. When the name, however, simultaneously suggests rotting masses of scabs and stitches, and whose most memorable quote is “Say hello to my little friend,” then one should perhaps set one’s sights lower in scaling the Mount Everest of sexual conquests…

"Say hello to my little friend." - A great bad-ass line to intimidate vicious Cuban assassins with. A less-than-awesome line to get a hook-up going.

 

In closing, MDJ Superstar says to all dudes to choose wisely, exaggerate judiciously, and always make sure to refer to your penis as an entity independent yet entirely co-equal to yourself. 

A movie-inspired nickname, when selected correctly, adds legend to one’s pocket rocket. 

But always remember to think things through. You never want your latest bedmate to pass on to the rest of her sorority any piece of humiliating gossip of the one unmemorable night that she spent with you, two paper cups of flat beer, and a flaccid, diminutive piece of man-meat that will live on in infamy as thoroughly unimpressive Stuart Little. 

Got any great suggestions of your own? Terrible ones? Comment away, Superstarlets!