I’m really thinking about getting laser surgery done.
I’m really sick of having hairy armpits…
Just kidding. I’m talking about getting LASIK for my eyes, and it’s something I’ve been wanting for years now.
I’ve always been a fat, slovenly, socially-inept kid, and I suppose one of the big reasons I was never into sports while I was growing up was because my eyesight was so damn terrible. I could run around, sure, but fielding a baseball or spotting up for a 3-point basketball shot was an exercise in futility. I liked staying in, drawing, reading my Little House On The Prairie books (Laura Ingalls Wilder FTW!), and mucking around on MS-DOS.
I was a dork.
And I didn’t like wearing my eyeglasses much. Even when my mum sprung for a cool-beans pair of specs that folded up into a pocketable little square, kind of like the Transformers, but distinctively less cool.
I’m now 29 years old, and much more secure in my dorkhood.
I don’t see wearing glasses so much as a social curse as an opportunity to assert my offbeat, quirky, yet incredibly lovable and winning personality.
But I think the time has come for me to escape the binding oppression of a Life With Glasses, and graduate into a brave new world of 20/20 vision.
LASIK is for me.
I must admit that my motivations for wanting perfect eyesight are less than noble.
I want to be able to wear shades at the beach and not have to squint to check out the hot barely legal Cebuana schoolgirls frolicking around in their My Little Pony bikinis.
I want to be able to pull up outside a club and be able to nonchalantly step out of my car without having to worry about eyeglasses fogging up.
I want to be able to wake up at 4 in the morning to pee, and be able to see the stream of steaming golden liquid shimmer delicately in the flickering fluorescent light.
I want to see the world as it really is, and not just as it kind-of-sort-of-blurrily is.
LASIK is the key.
This is it.
Let’s see how this goes.
