I am having a very painful internal debate in my heart.

I cannot pinpoint who among the following is my absolute all-time favorite band of all time.

  1. Guns n’ Roses – These guys made me want to pick up the guitar, and “Welcome to the Jungle” is, in my opinion, the all-time greatest rock song of all time, next only to AC/DC’s “Back in Black”. Plus, what geeky, pimply nerd did not think that Slash’s ability to play the intro riff to “Sweet Child o’ Mine” with his guitar raised behind his head was the most kick-ass thing of 1993?
  2. Radiohead – To date, they’re the only band that can make even the angriest (i.e. “Karma Police”) or saddest (“Fake Plastic Trees”) of songs so sweepingly beautiful? Thom Yorke is a fucking God, in my opinion – if only he wasn’t so goddamn butt-ugly.
  3. The Killers – Their very existence on this list hinges exclusively on one song, “Mr. Brightside”, which was the only song I listened to in the one year or so in between girlfriends that I was single. That makes it one fucking gorgeous song, and the only hit they ever have to have in my life. They could do a rock cover of “Row Row Row Your Boat” and I’d still think they rock.
  4. Mr. Big – “Green-Tinted 60s Mind”. “Take Cover”. “Nothing But Love”. “Just Take My Heart”. “To Be With You”. “Shine”. “Superfantastic”. “Shine”. This is probably the most virtuoso band to make a lasting pop cultural impact (sorry, but Dream Theater, Phish, Van Halen, and the various Vai/Satriani band incarnations don’t count… they’re all strictly niche, in my mind). That’s what you get for having Billy Sheehan AND Paul Gilbert in the same band. Also, Eric Martin is pogi.
  5. The Backstreet Boys – Hardcore. Heart-felt. Pure emotion. Howie-D. Really, no band made a bigger mass impression during the A-boy 1995-1999 years than good old BSB. If you didn’t love “Quit Playing Games”, you were a fucking queer.

MDJ Superstar has horrible taste in music, but at least he’s honest…