Who Is MDJ Superstar?

Since MDJ Superstar’s opinions on things have such a tremendous impact on Philippine culture and economics (Exhibit A: The spectacular box office success of John Lloyd and Bea’s “One More Chance”, which I blame directly and completely on my glowing review of the film, despite never having seen it), he would like to make another completely unbiased endorsement of one of the greatest inventions in the culinary world – Nestle Fitnesse.

Nestle Fitnesse is probably one of the top 3 cereals The Superstar has ever tasted in Southeast Asia. I was warned ahead of time that it tasted like cardboard. It doesn’t. Not one bit. Not unless you’re fortunate to have actually received a sheet of cardboard pre-glazed in a mildly toasted coat of all kinds of nutty grains and just the right dash of brown sugar sweetness. I highly doubt that you have, though. Not even Steve Jobs or Tom Ford has invented cardboard that awesome.

The crunch is perfect. One of the most boring things about diet food is that they fail to excite your senses. Nestle Fitnesse does the exact opposite. Not only does it taste great, the texture and crunch you get in each bite keeps each mouthful exciting.

Nestle Fitnesse is totally papak-able. You don’t need milk to make it palatable, unlike other terrible crap like Special K and Raisin Bran. I’m told Marc Nelson eats this as his chips. Hey, if it’s good enough for Big Marc, it’s good enough for MDJ Superstar.

It’s a very sociable cereal. You can mix it and enjoy it with anything – dried fruits, fresh fruits, or even with protein powder, like someone suggested. I bet you could even grind it up and use it as a nice batter for a fish fillet, if you really wanted to.

The only drawback about this manna from heaven called Nestle Fitnesse is that it’s very embarrassing to buy if you happen to be a brawny, scruffy 200-pound weightlifting freak like The Superstar. It’s packaged in a very dainty-looking white box, with curvy silhouettes of women drawn on it.

How would I make Nestle Fitnesse a better experience? I would do three things:

1. Make it macho – Enough males eat the stuff to justify this, swear. Come out with some really cool, rugged packaging, preferably black with skulls and flames printed all over the box. Give the flakes manly shapes, like pistols, beer mugs, and David Hasselhoff silhouettes. We all know David Hasselhoff is the greatest role model any real manly man could hope to have anyway.
2. Give it more interesting flavors - Health buffs are tired of same old, same old. Imagine some great innovations, like adobo flavor complete with some kind of dehydrated adobo powder to make your milk taste like adobo sauce. That’s breakthrough thinking. Or maybe salmon flavor, with real salmon bits. No other cereal out there can offer this much taste innovation, let me tell you.
3. Pay MDJ Superstar a small monthly stipend to endorse the product – I plan to be very reasonable in my rates and payment terms. Cash, kind, and sexual favors are all acceptable to The Superstar. I might not be easy, but I’m certainly cheap.